This Awesomeness
by Tek Sonay
Summary: What REALLY happened in the tower. In the midst of the epic battle between good and evil, Link and Ganondorf are distracted by a strange noise ...
1. This Awesomeness

**A/N**: **I am thanking The Poison for pressuring me into getting onto this fun site: that look of hers is _really scary! _I'm also thanking my family for their little perks and laughs that helped lead one idea to another even funnier one! :)**

**This story is supposed to be read for entertainment. I wrote it impulsively, so the plotline is not complicated. Also, I likely won't update for a while until I finish my Howl's Moving Castle story. **

**But that doesn't mean that I don't like getting reviews! :P If anything, please give this story a try and let it cheer up your day by the sheer nonsense of it.**

**Disclaimer**: **Own Zelda characters, I do not. Own yummy candy cane, I once did. **

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_"This Awesomeness"_

**Chapter One **

_**In Ganondorf's Tower. . .** _

The two warriors pierced each other with their gazes, anticipating the other's next move. Sweat drenched their skin, and air reached their lungs in short spurts.

They were positioned in the tallest tower of the once famed Hyrule Castle, a magnificent structure now shrouded in darkness and claimed as an evil king's own. The great pit of lava over which it levitated reflected its master's flaming hot lust for power, but the rainbow bridge traversing high overhead portrayed a Hero's will to cool it.

The two warriors tensed, ready to strike. Ganondorf's eyes were filled with battle-lust; Link's clear blue ones were calm.

Link, called Hero of Time, threw himself to the side as Ganondorf hurtled snaking yellow streams of dark magic at him; they looked like Roman Candles gone wild.

Ganondorf, called King of Evil, was larger than Link—_much _larger—and appeared even more so as he levitated in the center of the tower above an island platform. A chasm separated him and Link, who stood on one of the surrounding platforms.

When he saw that Link had dodged his attack, the King of Evil built up a surge of power, twisted his torso around, wrenched his arm back, and slammed his fist into the platform beneath him.

The power rushed out toward Link, striking his platform. The Hero leaped off it just as it began to fall from beneath him.

Ganondorf glared at him.

"Think you can get away?" he growled in his deep voice.

Link just smirked.

The King of Evil thrust his arm up, palm skyward, and began drawing power from the Triforce on his hand. A large, swirling ball of omnipotence soon formed. With a grunt, he sent it flying toward the Hero of Time.

Link had his sword ready, and he quickly deflected the bolt directly back at Ganondorf. His opponent was not caught off guard, however, and whacked it right back at him.

Link swung his blade and once again returned it to Ganondorf's court.

It was a practice they had been familiar with since the start of the battle. They would strike the ball of power back and forth, faster and faster until one of them moved too slowly . . .

_*SMACK*_

The coagulated energy rammed into Link's stomach, sending him flying backwards into the wall. Waves of pain jarred his body as he stumbled to his feet. He looked skyward in time to see two hearts disappear from his life meter.

_Ouch_.

However, when he shook his limbs, the pain almost immediately began to subside — a strange trait of his.

In fact, the pain _disappeared_ . . . after he stopped blinking red.

Another strange trait.

Feeling a change in the atmosphere, Link looked up at his adversary. And not a moment too soon. Ganondorf — arm pulled back, hand spread wide, and dark magic gathered in his palm — was about to attack.

Link narrowed his blue eyes and crouched into a fighting stance, sword at the ready.

The power began drawing all light into the center of the room and illuminated the wide, pointy grin on Ganondorf's olive face. His amber eyes widened with the exhilaration of power flowing through his veins. The tension in the room became as taut as the drum skins of Goron warriors, ready to exemplify itself any moment.

The ball of magic became increasingly larger, soon eclipsing its predecessors.

Both warriors' muscles were tense and ready for the coming onslaught. The formation neared its peak!

**_...ssssqquuuuiirrroooowwwllllll. . . . . ._**

A strange expression came across Ganondorf's face. Link's eyes widened: _What _was_ that?_

The dark magic in the Gerudo's hand suddenly fizzled out, restoring the light back to the room.

Ganondorf slumped over, losing any last vestiges of an imposing demeanor. His large, gauntleted hand came to his stomach; a look of long-suffering crossed his face.

"GAAAH! How much longer is this going to take!" he complained deeply. "I have an octorok lasagna in the oven, and it is NOT getting any fresher!"

The outburst startled the blonde-headed Hero to no end. First of all, since when do kings of evil complain about their stomachs? And secondly, what kind of barbarian would _eat _an _octorok_?

Link peered at Ganondorf warily as if he might spring a trap on him at any moment.

"Was . . . was that . . . ?" he shook his head. "Was that your _stomach_?"

A dead-panned look came to Ganondorf's face.

"No, that was my pinkie-toe," he said flatly.

Link stared in horror at the offending extremity.

"_Your pinkie-toe did_—!"

"_YES_, it was my stomach, you FOOL!" Ganondorf delicately put his hand to his forehead. "You're giving me a headache."

The mocking action made Link angry. _He_ was giving _Ganondorf _a headache?

With brisk movements, he whipped out his boomerang and cast it at the man standing in the middle of the tower. It thwacked him across the indignant hand, quickly discarding the dramatic pose.

Ganondorf hissed in pain and shot Link a glare.

"What did you do _that _for?"

Link glared right back.

"It's always about _your _issues, isn't it? It's always what _you _want, what _you _need; you're all about 'taking over Hyrule' and 'possessing all of the power the Triforce has to offer' without a second thought about others!"

Ganondorf gasped. "He talks!" he muttered.

Link marched up to the edge of the platform he was standing on, and the only thing separating them was the deep chasm between them. He was really working himself up now; he had the flaring nostrils and everything.

He jabbed a finger at Ganondorf, who watched him with half-interest.

"I have HAD it with your grumbling!" he yelled. "All you do is sit on your tush, and give orders to make life _more _miserable for me, because I'm always fighting for my _life _to destroy _that _mess that _you _left out there! Well, you know what? I, Link of Hyrule, Hero of Time, who _rarely _complains—"

"I'm starting to find _that _hard to believe," Ganondorf mumbled under his breath.

"—in fact I hardly speak at all—"

"Could've fooled me."

" . . . will now preform the daring act . . . of complaint."

Link closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. His features calmed, his shoulders relaxed. He drew himself up as he exhaled, and then his eyes drifted open.

Ganondorf eyed him warily, wondering what he was up to.

Link stretched his arm out straight in front of him with a balled fist. He stood like that a moment, staring at it like he was puzzling over what to do next. Suddenly, his expression cleared, and his pointer flicked downward.

Ganondorf flinched.

Again, Link paused as if for effect. He breathed in slowly.

"My feet," he began, "are killing me."

The King of Evil stared at him. Was that all?

His amber eyes followed the finger's line of . . . direction, to rest on Link's feet. They were encased in extremely tight boots.

He cocked an eyebrow. "Uh . . . maybe if you didn't wear shoes two sizes too—"

"EEYEEAHH! DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"

Without warning, Link sprang up in front of Ganondorf. In a blurring instant, he had used his hookshot, a metal hand-held contraption he had received in the depths of Kakariko graveyard, to yank him onto the center platform.

"DON'T LOOK UPON THEM!" he yelled. "YOU WILL MAR THEIR SHININESS!"

Ganondorf leaped back. "_What_ _the—?_"

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!"

The King of Evil was aghast by Link's behavior. "What are you—?"

"SAY IT!" Link jabbed his finger at him and gave him the evil eye for emphasis. "SAY THOSE WORDS!"

Ganondorf's hands shot up in defense. "Alright, alright! I am not worthy!"

"AGAIN!"

"I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"

"NOW BOW!"

Link's victim dropped to the floor before him.

"I am not worthy! I am not worthy! I am not—!"

Ganondorf cut off suddenly and shook his head. Wait, _what_ was he _doing?_!

He jumped to his feet and drew himself to his full height, once again feeling like the King of Evil that he was. He scowled down his prominent nose at Link, who suddenly did not seem so sure of himself.

"Your shoes . . . " Ganondorf hissed, " . . . are _UGLY_!"

Link gasped in horror.

"No, it's not true!" he cried out in denial. "They are the most loveliest shoes in the land!"

"They are as hideous as boko moblins!" Ganondorf continued ruthlessly. "They are more ghastly than stall-childs!"

"Gaah! It _burns_!" Link cried out, slapping his hands over his ears.

"My re-dead can't even BEGIN to compare to their vileness! Why, Bongo-Bongo _himself_ would KILL to have looks that matched those of the _horrendous_ boots!"

Though he would die before admitting it, Ganondorf was beginning to feel a _little_ envious of the image he had created of those boots.

"It _freezes_!" Link shouted, still covering his ears.

The King of Evil was about to take it a daring step forward.


	2. This Pursuit

**Warnings: There's a mention of puke. It's non-descriptive, but I thought I'd give the weak stomached a fair warning.**

**Disclaimer: As a toddler, I was no child prodigy when Zelda first came out. In other words, there's no way I could have created these characters. I am only giving them a new story. **

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_**"**__This Pursuit"_

**Chapter 2****  
**

Yes, indeed, Ganondorf was about to say the most scalding thing that had ever come forth from his mouth . . .

Then his mind suddenly went blank.

Trying not to panic, he opened his mouth as he scrambled for an insult. "Your shoes are so ugly . . . they're more hideous than . . . if Gorons could fly they'd . . . "

He attempted not to pull at his face. WHERE WAS THE FINAL WORD!

He was becoming desperate. If he could not find a good insult soon, he will have failed to represent the evil society for which he stood!

He just _had _to think of something . . .

. . . _Had _to think of something . . .

Link was not so petrified that he was to the point of oblivion. He noticed when Ganondorf began stumbling over his words, and it gave him courage.

Link slowly uncovered his pointed ears until he was positive that naught but a load of hooey was coming out of Ganondorf's mouth. Comparing his boots to a drunken bemos was hardly going to get anything but a twitch out of him.

He cut in before the King of Evil could finish saying 'Dampe'.

"Aren't you villains supposed to have these monologues memorized?"

Ganondorf frowned at him distractedly and waved a hand to ward him off.

"Quiet, you, I'm trying to come up with something evil to say . . . "

"I mean, seriously," Link continued, "You guys usually know your stuff so well, it's as if it's been practically programmed into you!"

"I said quiet, you vagabond!"

The Hero of Time crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I _really _felt that one!"

"Scuffy toe!"

Link tapped his foot.

"Mmm-hmm!"

"Do you sleep in those?" the King growled.

The tapping stopped.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Link retorted. "I might even go to sleep now if you keep up with much more of this!"

Ganondorf grinned wickedly.

"Then if you spend so much time with your 'awesomeness', you should be able to discern . . . "

Link narrowed his eyes.

" . . . that they sound identical . . . to miniblin!"

Link's eyes widened in shock as understanding hit him. All of this time, the sound of those rodent devils with their pitchforks following him, screaming, "Di-deet! di-deet!" was _his awesomeness?_!

He shook his head and tried to banish the evil thought. "_No No NO! _I _refuse _to believe it!"

Link gritted his teeth and drew himself up so he stood toe-to-toe with Ganondorf. "I will not accept that! This awesomeness will not be slandered nor touched!"

Ganondorf narrowed his amber eyes down at him.

"You want to bet, fairy boy?"

Link had never been more determined.

"Bring it on, big nose!"

Ganondorf lunged for him. Link whipped out his hookshot and barely managed to elude getting touched as fingertips brushed his sleeve. It yanked him to the other side of the room.

He caught his balance, turned around and smirked.

"See? What'd I tell you?"

His smile dropped as Ganondorf began levitating across the chasm toward him.

"That you're quick to speak?" the King retaliated.

Link turned and began to run to his left. His pursuer was soon close on his heels, and he had to zig-zag if he had any hopes of shaking him.

Back and forth they moved, predator and prey, as a corner of the room came closer.

Link put on an extra burst of speed as he rounded the corner. His green hat miraculously stayed on his head at the abrupt change in direction, but Link was too focused ahead to argue physics.

Rather than cover the span of the corner, Ganondorf chose to cut across the chasm, and he was soon parallel to Link.

The Hylian spotted the Gerudo levitating above the chasm next to him, cloak billowing, and decided to discontinue traveling the current path. He promptly turned on his heel and went the other way.

Ganondorf was not phased by this move of his, but it did startle him when Link suddenly pulled out his hookshot, grappled to the center platform, then jerked himself to the other side — right under his nose. Again, he had only managed to brush Link's shield.

The Hylian had but a moment to decide. Ganondorf was heading his way . . . fast. If he went left, he would have to jump over one gap where a platform had fallen, but further on two more gaps followed.

He swiftly turned his head.

To the right, there seemed to be only one gap, but then again there were alot of shadows . . .

The Gerudo was nearly upon him. Right it was then, and Link took off without further ado.

If he thought about it, he would panic.

Link's swift decision cost him. The shadows disguised two gaps that were side-by-side just after the corner, and he certainly could not jump that.

The sound of Ganondorf behind him alerted him that he did not have time to get out his hookshot, either.

He was trapped.

Link whirled around and placed his back to the corner. He lifted his Hylian shield in front of him.

So this was it.

Ganondorf slowed to merely a hover as he came before his prey. His cool, assessing gaze took in how Link raised his shield ever so slightly. As he levitated back down to the floor, he could not resist baiting him.

"What's this? Has the great Hero finally reached the end of his rope?" He wagged a finger. "I did not think you'd be the type to give up so easily."

Link smiled.

"You'll find that this fight is not over yet," he replied.

Ganondorf began taking menacing steps toward him.

"Fairy boy, you're going to see just how wrong you —"

Abruptly, he stopped.

A strange expression overcame his features. He sniffed in once, twice, looking left and right, up and down.

Link blinked, and his blue eyes widened as he observed the Gerudo's nostrils. With every sniff, they appeared to be growing larger!

"Is . . . is it _supposed _to do that?" he hesitantly asked.

Ganondorf narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he peered around.

"What is that smell?"

"Uh . . . excuse me?"

Ganondorf jerked his head toward him and glared.

"That smell! What _is_ it? Where is it _coming_ from!"

Link wiggled uncomfortably.

"_I_ don't know . . . "

"We must find it . . . " Ganondorf mumbled as if to himself. "We must find what is precious to us. It smells so familiar, from so long ago . . . "

He blinked as if coming out of a dream.

"It is _you_! That smell is coming from _you_! Quick! Find out what it is!"

Link was taken aback from his vehemence. Where had this interest come from? But an opportunity was open to him: this was a chance to take his adversary's mind off poking him.

He carefully swung his shield back on his back and began to pull various objects from his person. Exactly _where _they had come from no one seemed to know, but Ganondorf was more preoccupied about the actual item than its origin.

The first thing that came out was a fishing rod.

"Is this it?" Link tilted the rod toward Ganondorf from a safe distance from his awesomeness.

Ganondorf snatched it up and sniffed it.

"Too fishy."

Link rolled his eyes . . . until Ganondorf tossed the rod to the side.

"Hey!" he protested, "What was —?!"

"Next!"

Link grudgingly shut his mouth and reached into his pocket again.

Out came another object: a bottle of blue potion, a substance that both increases one's magic and replenishes one's health to capacity.

Ganondorf's hand shot out to snatch the container and bring it to his nose.

It was an action he almost instantly regretted.

"Auugghh . . . " his deep voice groaned. He began turning a different shade of green, and Link suddenly found the bottle back in his hands.

"_That _sure wasn't it, " Ganondorf managed to croak out.

Link was puzzled. He had drunk of the blue potion many times and not once gotten ill. Sure, it had a strange numbing yet tingling sensation, but its taste was not so abhorrent that he dreaded the thought of it.

Cautiously, he sniffed the potion.

It smelt the same, so he brought the bottle to his lips, tilted his head back, and took a huge gulp of the stuff.

Ganondorf promptly threw up.

And every time thereafter that Link raised the blue potion to his lips, the image that had been forever branded into his mind of the King of Evil throwing up, his profile silhouetted by the abyss, would pop up like unwanted keese droppings.

A visibly shaken yet very determined Ganondorf turned to face Link again.

"No . . . that wasn't it."

Feeling slightly mischievous yet not sure he wanted to witness _that _again, Link began to draw two more bottles from his person.

"Then I don't suppose the red or green potions . . . "

Ganondorf regally waved his hand at him.

"No, no, put them away, put them away."

Link was slightly relieved as well as curious.

"So . . . "he ventured to ask, "does this always happen . . . ?"

Ganondorf turned his face to the side.

"A reflection of my childhood. I don't like to talk about it. Next!"

Link blinked and shook his head. He tried to think of what Ganondorf could possibly be smelling when a lovely thought of pure randomness sprang into his head. It was simply ingeneous. He wondered how he had even thought of it, and it just might speed him out of this situation.

Bombs.

They had a scent, didn't they?

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**"You, my friends, have been PEACH-FRIED." ;)**


	3. This Smell

**Warnings:**** The last chapter had but a small mentioning of vomit, but this chapter has quite a bit more. Again, it's non descriptive. Just thought to warn you!**

**A/N: I had great fun writing this one. :) **

**Disclaimer: If I had made Zelda, you'd be writing about _my_ work. **

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_"This Smell"_

**Chapter 3 **

Bombs.

They had a scent, didn't they?

Wasn't there a chance that this might be what the King's been smelling?

Link proudly yanked out a bomb and set it between them, quite cheerily, I might add.

"What about this?"

Ganondorf, genius that he was, leaned down and peered at it, as did Link, who was just as curious as to what it smelled like.

They both sniffed it carefully.

Neither was able to discern a scent, so the two of them leaned down even further until the tops of their heads were nearly touching. They sniffed in slowly.

How they failed to notice the fact that the red blinking of the bomb was increasing in speed remains a mystery. However, the moment their minds finally clicked in took a bit too long.

Simultaneously, their blue and gold eyes met, and one would swear they saw a spark of green flash between them as alarm lit their eyes a split second before the bomb went off.

The next thing they knew, they were sprawled several yards from where they had just been crouching.

Having had his back to the corner, Link first hit the wall before ricocheting out into the air and finally landing on the center platform.

Ganondorf flew straight to the opposite corner of the room.

The two warriors were blinking red just as the bomb had been moments ago. Groaning in pain, they looked up just in time to see the life meters suspended over their heads go down half a heart.

_Ouch_.

They sat there and stared at each other while they waited for the blinking to stop. Ganondorf was glaring, Link was looking sheepish.

When their color finally stayed normal and the smoke cleared, the uncomfortable silence remained.

Link felt that he had to break it.

"So . . ." he began, "I'm guessing that . . . wasn't it either?"

"HARDLY!" Ganondorf snapped. He swiftly stood up and began dusting himself off. Link cautiously followed suit.

After adding a final dainty brush to his flaming orange hair, the Gerudo turned to him and said in an almost business-like manner:

"Where were we?"

Link blinked. He wasn't sure he was at all that comfortable standing in the same room with a psychopath.

Better keep him happy.

Taking an extreme amount of caution for fear of repeating his last mistake, he began drawing out another item . . .

"WAIT . . . just a moment, _please_."

Link looked up to see Ganondorf with his back pressed against the wall, his eyes squinted as if prepared for a blow.

"Why don't you just _list _them for now . . . for safety precautions?"

The Hero of Time opened his mouth as if he had one-hundred things he could say but did not know which to say first, so he settled for a stifled, "Sure . . ."

He bit his lip as he mentally scanned his inventory for items that 'smelled'.

"Uh . . . hookshot?" he finally asked.

"Considering how many times you used it earlier, do you not think I would have smelt it before?"

"Oh, good point."

Link squinted in concentration.

"Ice arrows?"

Ganondorf rolled his eyes.

"Oh, of course ice had _such _a strong scent!"

"Hey, don't you mock me! It was as good as guess as any!"

"Well, _pardon me _for insulting such a wise sage as yourself!"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean!"

"What it _means _is—"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"DON'T make me POKE you!"

Link shut up.

Ganondorf inhaled deeply before speaking again. His tone was heavy with long-suffering.

"Would you _please _get on with it?" he begged. "My nostrils are dying to find out what that scent is!"

Link looked at him for a moment before tapping his chin in 'mock' thought.

"Okay, how about _light _arrows?" His tone was smug.

Ganondorf's face darkened menacingly.

"_No_."

Feeling slightly satisfied, the Hylian began listing things.

"Lens of Truth?"

"No."

"Deku nuts?"

"No."

"Ocarina of Time?"

"Hardly."

"Megaton Hammer?"

"Yes!"

Link was thrilled.

"_Really_?"

"No."

The feeling was lost.

As he stared down at his boots, a thought occurred to him. It said, "Hey! Why not?" So he decided to try it.

"I know _exactly _what I'm pulling out, " he assured Ganondorf as the King of Evil's eyes widened.

It actually took Link a _moment_ to pull it out, considering his blonde hair kept falling in his face, but he finally managed to bring them about.

"Tah-dah!" he exclaimed triumphantly with a strained grin. "Of course _these _have a scent!"

And indeed they did, for the item was none other than a gleaming pair of iron boots, boots designed to weigh you down, thus the strain in Link's smile.

He let them drop, and a loud _CLANG _reverberated throughout the room.

Ganondorf failed to notice, though, he was so focused on those boots. His eyes were bright, and he appeared to be floating on air (literally) as he levitated across the chasm to Link.

"Could this be it?" the King of Evil wondered aloud. "Could this be what I've been smelling?"

In a movement almost too quick for Link to discern, Ganondorf snatched up the iron boots (he's quite strong) and shoved his stately nose inside of one. His shoulders heaved upward as he filled his lungs with whatever scent the boot provided.

Link was horrified when the Gerudo's face emerged from the depths of his sole.

Ganondorf's eyes were two huge, pulsing red hearts, and the expression of content on his face was so gooey, it was sickening.

"That's it!" Ganondorf boomed, "that's the scent I've been searching for! Oh, so many memories resurface! So many wonderful memories . . ."

He turned to Link, hugging the boots to his broad chest.

"Where did you find these?"

Link, eyes fully dilated, had been praying feverishly that he wouldn't notice him; Someone must hate him.

"Uh . . . um . . . I, uh . . . that is . . . "

"WHERE!"

"GAAH! In the ice cavern in the Zora's fountain!"

Ganondorf spun around so his back was to Link and gazed down dreamily at the iron boots.

"Ahhh . . . I remember putting them there for safe keeping so long ago . . . then I got carried away with taking over Hyrule and forgot about them!" His lip began quivering. "Daddy's so sowwy for negwecting you!"

Link began backing away slowly.

"But now I have found you again!" the King of Evil continued, "and my joy is so great, I can hardly contain it!"

He whirled around at the retreating Hylian. "You must share my joy!"

He grabbed the unsuspecting Link by the collar and yanked him toward him, catching the Hero so completely by surprise that he naturally gasped as the iron boot was shoved in his face.

As you should know, a gasp is a sound made when one is breathing in quickly. In other words, Link took in the scent fully through both his nose and mouth.

A regretful move.

Ganondorf beamed down at him.

"See? Isn't it lovely? Aren't the most wonderful memories going through your head?"

His smile faded when he saw Link's shoulders stiffen.

And every time thereafter that Ganondorf lifted the iron boots to smell them, the image that had been forever branded into his memory of the Hero of Time throwing up, his profile silhouetted by the abyss, would pop up like unwanted Dodongo droppings.

The next moment found the two of them sitting on the edge of the platform, legs dangling and Ganondorf's feet delicately encased in his newly found iron boots, with Ganondorf patting a pale and shaking Link on the back.

The Gerudo was talking.

"Oh, how I've missed these boots! We went so many places together: the Haunted Wastelands, the Fortress, the Desert Colossus . . . I'd say Hyrule field, but then I rode a horse, so I suppose it doesn't count, now does it? Or _does _it? . . . Well, no matter. Where have _you _been in them, Hero? Probably everywhere, considering all of the dungeons I left out there for you. You better not have gone anywhere dirty! I don't want my bootie wooties to have been scarred! Oh, they have _such _a lovely smell! Oh, so lovely a scent, just a magnificent scent—"

He jerked his legs away just as Link vomited again.

The Hero wiped his mouth and looked up at Ganondorf. Then he said with a groan: "Will you excuse me a second?"

There was a glint in his eye the King did not like.

Next thing he knew, Link had whipped out a bottle of strong-smelling red potion and was downing half the bottle.

_That smell! That sme_—

Ganondorf's cheeks filled and he was puking over the side.

Link dutifully started patting him on the back and picked up the pace.

"You know, once I was wounded so badly, I had to drink two bottles of red potion and two bottles of green potion. It's true! I didn't have any of that delightfully oozy, bubbly blue potion on me, so I had to do with the oozy, bubbly red and green instead. It was saddening. Anyways, it left the most interesting slimy feeling in my throat after drinking that much. And you know, it got me thinking: 'What color would the red and green make together? What would it taste like?' So I mixed the two together and got the most disgusting brownish—glurg!"

Ganondorf's hand closed around Link's throat before he even finished puking.

He reached down with his other hand and yanked off one of his iron boots.

Then, standing to his feet and dragging Link to his, he growled, "Smell _this!" _and shoved the boot under Link's nose just as Link gasped, "Smell _this!_" and shoved an open bottle of blue potion under Ganondorf's nose.

Both couldn't help thinking, 'Not again!' before scrambling away from each other to get to a side.

Neither one made it.

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**A/N: Suggestions? Theories? Contemplations of the latter universes? ****  
**

**...but you can keep your cookie... .**


	4. This Old Acquaintance

**Warning: . . . Scary old women shouldn't faze you. **

**A/N:**** Because I'm in the mood for some sympathy, I'll let you know that my Sanity and I aren't speaking to each other. Yes, it's true. I'm just not going to tell you it's because we're in different dimensions, and if we were to ever meet, catastrophic randomness would break loose. Feeling sorry for me? ****  
**

**Disclaimer:**** If I had made Zelda, I would have been selfish and kept it all to myself.  
**

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_"This Old Acquaintance"_

**Chapter 4 **

Is it not amazing how two of the greatest warriors in Hyrule began their confrontation fighting to the death, and an hour or so later find themselves trying to make the other _puke _for victory?

Powerful, is it not?

Needless to say, their stomachs were very much empty by now, considering how many times they had heaved.

The two warriors twitched as they gazed at the mess they had made. It lay all over the sides of the center platform as well as the corner where Link first emptied his pockets. The little light that shone through the stain glass illuminated the mess.

It looked like — let's _not_ go there.

Ganondorf was in awe.

"Wow . . . look at what we have created. Just _look _at the mess we've —"

He cut off abruptly and his eyes widened.

"LOOK AT THE MESS WE'VE MADE!"

He leapt up from where they had been agonizingly clutching their stomachs and began to pace.

"Oh . . . they are going to _kill _me!" Ganondorf's large hand came up to rub his eyes. "I could always say, uh, that . . . one of the monsters exploded! Yes, that's it! . . . no, no, no! They won't believe that, they turn into smoke when they die!"

He stopped and looked around frantically before pacing again.

"I know . . . I know, a traveling troupe popped up out of nowhere! and two of the acrobats got sick! YES! That's the story! That's the — no, they're never going to believe THAT _either_!"

Link had stood up and was staring at Ganondorf in bewilderment.

"_What _are you _talking _about?!"

The King of Evil whirled around and began pacing in the opposite direction.

"MY MOTHERS! I technically own all of the castle but this tower, which they threatened me into giving them! And they said if I make a mess . . ." Ganondorf put his hands over his face. "GAAHHH! It's too horrible to imagine!"

Link tried to stifle his laughter. "You, a King of Evil, still live with your _mother_?" Then he blinked in confusion. "Wait . . . did you say _mothers, _as in plural?"

Ganondorf glared at him. "Shut up! It's complicated!"

Just then, a horrible set of sounds filled the room, like a mixture of rusty hinges, chaotic cackling, and nails being raked across a piece of slate. Words could be made out from it.

**"_GANONDORFALKENHOTLEPERTY! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"_**

The voices reverberated throughout the room but seemed to originate from beneath their feet.

They leapt back to nearly opposite sides of the platform as a vortex spiraled up from between them. At first glance, it seemed to be just wind, but at a closer observation, flashes of fire and ice could be seen.

It moved faster and faster, higher and higher until it nearly touched the ceiling. The stain glass windows shuddered dangerously, and Link could have sworn he heard cracking.

The two braced themselves as they were threatened to be blown off the platform. They squinted as the wind ripped at their clothing and pulled at their hair. Yet, strong as they were, they couldn't stop themselves from being inched backwards.

Their heels now rested at the edge. The cackling grew louder —

Abruptly, the vortex turned to steam. It shrank considerably in size as it began to spread out in the tower. From inside of the dying vortex came the sound of raspy coughing and muttering.

"_Darn it, Kotake_! _You didn't have to '_cough'_ overdo it with the ice_!"

"You _were the one getting fancy with flames_!"

"_Oh yeah, sister? Well, __I'm taking in a lot more water droplets than I am sparks_!"

"_Well, it takes two to tango when it _'wheeze' _comes to steam!"_

"Excuse _me? Why don't you just . . . _"

Link's blue eyes were wide with shock, and the arguing voices in the mist seemed to fade for a moment.

He shook his head as if dazed.

"Koume . . . and Kotake . . . _they're _your _mothers_!"

He gyrated towards Ganondorf.

The sight of the King of Evil trembling with a look of pure fear in his face shook Link to the core.

The steam dissipated, and Koume and Kotake, previous bosses of the spirit temple and surrogate mothers of Ganondorf, could clearly be seen.

The term 'hag' accurately described them. They rode on broomsticks, their skin was gaunt and wrinkled, and their noses were hooked with a dashing wart on the end. Their robes were dark and elegant, with silver embroidery on the voluminous sleeves, and both had a large gem resting on their forehead. Koume could control fire, Kotake could control ice.

Link's heart alternated between a solid and liquid state as they turned their hostile gazes upon him. He felt like someone was controlling him: he could not move, he could not speak . . .

Just like old times . . .

_Too_ much like old times.

The kind of times you wish you had never experienced, involving people you had hoped to avoid meeting again, especially after you killed them.

Koume and Kotake were well 'acquainted' with Link, and the evil glint in their eyes revealed how much they wanted that familiarity to extend to their hands wrapping securely around his throat.

They circled around him on their broomsticks, which was very intimidating because 1) they were super sized witches and 2) they were speaking to him.

_"Well well well, if it isn't the little Hero of Time. Surprised to see us?"_

Link thought it was always a surprise to see them as he took in their features, but he dare not say it. Instead he gulped and made a shaking effort to appear nonchalant.

"Oh no. It's always nice to see old enemies again after you thought you had destroyed them. No, no surprise at all. Where in Hyrule did you get that idea, I wonder."

Kotake's eyes got impossibly larger.

_"Did he just talk!" _she squawked.

Koume didn't seem to notice.

_"We told you we'd come back to haunt you . . ." _

It was menacing the way she swooped in closer. Link put up his hands in defense.

"Now now, I just think we got off on the wrong foot. Why don't we sit down somewhere comfortable and have a nice chat?"

_"Yes, that _would _be nice . . ._ _if you and Ganny hadn't covered the place in puke! Besides, you should have thought about it _before _you . . ."_

The thought slipped from the grasp of her mind as realization struck her.

_"Did I just — did he just —?!" _She looked over at Kotake._"Sister, he just spoke! SPOKE, not grunt!"_

Kotake rolled her eyes as she formed little ice crystals on her bony hand. She tilted them at an angle to watch them glisten as she retorted, _"I just said that, beak-nose!"_

Koume frowned at her indignantly._"No you didn't! I was the first to see _— _wait, did you just call me 'beak-nose'?!"_

Kotake sniffed.

_"It can't be an insult if it's true!"_

_"Well, some logic _that _is! But then I guess it makes it right to call you 'old lady'!"_

Kotake gasped in horror and stopped abruptly in her flight pattern. _"WHAAT!" _She pointed to herself. _"YOU'RE calling ME old! 392 years is hardly worth the title! And besides _— you're _older than I am!"_

_"392? Hah! Don't lie about your age, _twin_, we're older than that!"_

_"Maybe, but only _you _show it!"_

_"And what is THAT supposed to mean?!"_

_"EXACTLY that!"_

_"Why you_—_!"_

Link briefly wondered how the King of Evil was coping with his mothers' behavior. However, when he peered over his shoulder he saw not a cowering figure but a conniving one. Ganondorf had one foot hovering over the chasm and the other ready to push off of the platform.

Link edged back toward him.

"What are you doing?!" he hissed.

Ganondorf stepped out fully over the abyss while he glanced over at the hags. They were still arguing.

Good.

As he looked back down at Link, the Hero noticed something different about him. Gone was the stern look of a King, for in its place was the look of a mischievous child. His eyes were bright and he grinned in a sly, discomforting way.

Then he did what was most unexpected.

He offered him his hand, palm up.

Link blinked at it.

Ganondorf's tone was unreadable.

"Do you trust me?"

"_What?_"

The Gerudo stretched his hand further.

"Do - you - trust - me?"

Link stared at him like he had lost his mind.

"_Heck _no!"

Ganondorf smiled wickedly.

"Then you better learn to quickly!" And with that he grabbed Link by the collar and clicked his heels.

They dropped like a rock.


	5. This Escape

**A/N: I apologize for the delay.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own the games, not the rights. :(**

* * *

_"This Escape"_

**Chapter 5**

Of all the tricks Ganondorf had pulled on Link, this was by far the dirtiest.

The Hero chided himself for not seeing it coming. Since when do kings of evil ask you if you trust them without some diabolical scheme in mind? He was certainly thankful to be away from the blood-lusting hags, but the suicidal jump he could have done without. Again, his green hat managed to elude gravity even at the speed they were falling. Link hoped he could one day investigate this phenonmenon.

He squeezed his blue eyes shut, preparing himself for the pain. His mouth opened in an unwilling scream. The wind roared in his pointed ears as the ground rushed closer, and he prayed it would be over quickly . . .

. . . They never hit.

Link's sleeve brushed against something just when he noticed his humiliating screams were echoing back at him.

His eyes shot open to see they were falling down a dusky hole — _straight _down it, and when he looked up he saw the small frame of light become smaller and smaller.

But Koume and Kotake's screeches of anger continued to pierce him.

Abruptly, Ganondorf veered right, jerking Link's head back. He fleetingly thought they might strike the wall when they flew into yet another mysterious shaft.

His legs flew out behind him. His collar was strangling him, and he struggled to grip Ganondorf's arm to support himself.

They were in nearly absolute darkness, and the air seemed to be getting warmer.

Much warmer.

"Ganondorf!" Link's voice came faintly to the Gerudo's ears, "Ganondorf, where are we — EEYYEEH!!"

Suddenly they were diving head first downwards . . . then sideways . . . then upwards . . .

The Hylian became disoriented with all of the twists and turns they zipped through. His arms were sore from holding on, which he did not think he could do much longer, and the cackling of the witches was really getting to him.

He wondered why he could still hear them.

Once or twice he could have sworn he heard Ganondorf laughing, but he dismissed the notion almost immediately. After all, he could not possibly find anything amusing in a situation as serious as this.

A brief burst of magic lit up the tunnel when Ganondorf created another opening ahead of them.

Without warning, they jettisoned out into an open hallway. They almost flew directly into the opposing wall before the King of Evil swerved sharply to the right.

Link was not so lucky.

The centrifugal force slammed him into the wall, causing him to lose his grip entirely. The wind was knocked out of him, and he grimaced in silent agony as he began sliding down the wall like a slug on a glass door. Let's just hope he didn't leave a trail behind him.

It did not take Ganondorf long to realize Link was no longer with him.

A swift turn about revealed the Hero sprawled on his back on the floor. The King's amber eyes immediately widened with mirth, but he regally attempted to keep it from showing in his voice.

"H-Hero! What are you doing?!" _Oh goodness, he looked funny!_ "My mothers are hot on our trail, so quit dilly-dallying!"

Link could not say anything as he was snagged once more by his collar and hefted through the air.

Ganondorf swiftly looked around before spotting something useful.

Yes, it had to do.

He dove over a group of barrels and dumped Link on the ground. Then he sat back and watched, a finger pinching his nose. He musn't laugh, he musn't laugh . . .

The Hylian momentarily came out of his dazed state to see a wall of brown before him. He blinked, confused, but it became clear that he was behind some barrels.

He was wondering how in Hyrule he had gotten there when he heard snickering behind him.

With a hand to his aching forehead, he turned to see the King of Evil. His shoulders were shaking with — no wait, he could not be . . .

Link shifted to get a better look at him. He _was _laughing!

He shook his head in bewilderment. "I don't see what is so amusing about this!"

Ganondorf glanced at him and immediately burst into another fit of giggles. Now Link was immensely disturbed.

"I _really _don't see what's so funny!"

Ganondorf giggled harder, and a tear even leaked from his eye. He pointed at Link and tried to say something, but another snicker erupted from him and sent him into more fits of laughter.

"_Where aaaarree you . . . ? You cannot escape us, boys!_"

The dreaded voices of the witches screeched uncomfortably close. The Hero tried to ignore Ganondorf as he peered between the barrels, trying to see exactly where the voices had come from.

Everything seemed to be bathed in the orange light radiating from the wall torches. Flickering shadows danced across an intricately designed, red carpet that stretched from one end of the hall to the other, and every gray stone that peeked out on the sides had strange markings engraved on it.

When Link could not find any openings in the smooth walls, he started to panic. He would not be able to accurately calculate his next move without any relative idea as to where his enemy may come from.

An odd strangled sound made him whirl around.

Ganondorf snickered before hiccuping again.

Link felt his jaw drop in surprise. He was _still _laughing?

"_What _is your _problem_?!" he hissed.

"It's just — you . . . you . . ." the King wiped a tear from his eye. "You scream like a little girl!"

The Hylian was aghast.

"I . . . I do not!"

Ganondorf tittered. "Yes, you do!"

"Do NOT!" the victim admantly repudiated. Inwardly, he admitted it had been somewhat higher pitched, but like a little girl's? _NEVER_!

In Ganondorf's mind, the image of the Hero sprawled on the floor froliced along to the sound of his screams.

It was just too much.

Such carefully restrained laughter that had rumbled within his chest burst forth from his lips. It boomed throughout the hall, throughout the entire castle even, and poor Link had to hold onto his hat, though it would have stayed on anyways.

The quiet snickers had been replaced by the mad cackling of a beast unleashed.

Link franically tried to quiet him. "_Shut up! _You'll give us away!"

But it was too late. Their position was compromised.

An intense blast of heat alerted Link to a presence above. He jerked his head up to lock eyes with Koume.

She grinned at him wickedly. "_Well well well, what do we have here? Two naughty boys in hiding._"

The witch's hair color, fueled by her battle spirit, could now be easily described as a fiery blow torch. It tapered back from her wizened forehead, and embers drifted from it as she reached for them.

"_Tsk, tsk, you must be pun _—"

Her words caught in her mouth as Kotake came barreling straight into her from out of a hole in the wall. They crashed on the other side of the hall as Link had earlier, like slugs on a glass door.

The Hero acted swiftly. He grabbed the King by the arm and tried to pull him towards the left side of the hall.

It had obviously been much easier for Ganondorf to pull Link instead of the other way around, so despite his current state, the Gerudo decided to help him out. His act was not intended to be one of kindness, but rather one of survival.

The want to escape the sisters was a mutual feeling.

They made their down the hallway quite strangely. Ganondorf had resumed his position of dragging Link, but he was winded by his laughter . . . which he was still engrossing himself in. He half ran, half levitated, and Link aided him all that he could in the running part.

The Hero's ragged breathing made him feel like he was battling. The feeling was right, of course . . . he was battling for his _life_, but he never thought he would be doing it alongside his mortal enemy.

And why in Hyrule would Ganondorf want to aid his mortal enemy? Unless . . .

"_BOO!_"

Link shrieked when the hags suddenly appeared before them, shrieked so loud you could have heard it in the Kokiri Forest (in which many prophetic dreams would ensue). It reverberated throughout the hall long after Link closed his mouth, and the horror he portrayed was very real.

They all froze a moment, stunned.

Link covered his mouth in alarm. Had he _really _just done that?! Made that atrocious sound?

He looked to the Heavens with a plead of mercy when the confirming King dropped to his knees. _Oh, no._

Ganondorf, tears streaming down his face, could have been mistaken for sobbing were it not for the big grin on his face. His face was red, and he clutched his stomach with one hand while he pounded on the floor with the other.

They stared down at the rolling King quite blankly. Naturally, they did not know what to think.

Link was wondering why he found it so amusing . . . because it wasn't . . . when he realized the 'unless' was being fulfilled! Maybe Ganondorf didn't really know why he was helping him 'unless' he was playing him right into the witches' hands!

He was frantically searching for an escape when the horrible Gerudo shakily stood up.

"Alright, alright," he snickered, his hands up in surrender.

Both were fisted.

He faced his mothers, who began closing in gleefully, and sighed in apparent defeat.

Then he flicked his hands open.

That was all of the warning Link got before there was an explosion of smoke.

* * *

**A/N: The rat lord is GOING DOWN!**


	6. This Strategy

**Info: I've been going for the Ocarina setting, but in this chapter I brought in a bit of the Windwaker! : -- moustache!!**

**A/N: GAAAAHH!! I am so sorry it took so long, guys! It was the pygmies...again! This time they stole my writing folder and made off with it to sacrifice it! Poor Link and Ganondorf . . . 'shudder'. **

**I need to get a restraining order. **

**Disclaimer: Much has been taken but the rights to Zelda . . . which I don't own.**

* * *

_"This Strategy"_

**Chapter 6**

Link heard the hags screech not far in front of him as he doubled over coughing. He shielded his face with his arms from the stinging smoke, and his watery eyes deemed themselves useless.

Suddenly, an odd sound met his pointed ears . . . a horse whinny.

He briefly wondered if it had just been his imagination when it happened again, only this time it was accompanied by the sound of clacking hooves. He squinted, trying to find the source, but alas it was in vain.

Without warning, Ganondorf appeared before him, a glint in his eye, and he motioned Link to hush as a voice penetrated the fog.

"Climb on, Hero!"

The voice was identical to Ganondorf's.

Link shot him a quizzical look just as a shadow swept by him. His eyes widened further when he recognized the hat it was wearing.

Ganondorf gestured to him. "Let's go!"

And with the accustomed practice, Link was once more dragged by his collar for who knows where. Behind them, the sound of a galloping horse faded, as did the calls of, "_After them!_" by the industrious mothers.

Breaking out of the smoke revealed the warriors were going back the way they came. They were nearing the barrels when Link ventured to speak his mind.

"So . . . was it just me, or did I hear Phantom Ganon back there?"

The King smiled slightly. "You weren't the only one."

The Hero stared at the passing floor in confusion. "But didn't you banish him to the gap between dimensions? Remember, after I severely pummeled him on his fancy horse in the Forest Temple?"

"Ah yes, well . . ." Ganondorf cleared his throat as they alighted next to the barrels. "You see, it was more of a time out."

Link blinked.

"A _what_?"

"A time out."

The Hero cocked an eyebrow as the Gerudo tried to explain.

"Well . . . you and I both know that failures must be punished lest they be repeated."

"Oh yes, of _course_," Link said dryly.

Ganondorf chose to ignore the Hero's sardonic tone. "Phantom Ganon failed miserably as a boss, so I had to teach him a lesson."

He leaned on a barrel and shook a scolding finger at Link. "Oh come now, Hero. Do you really think I'd be so foolish as to throw away such rare beauty so swiftly? That phantom was a genius!" He gazed dreamily into the distance. "He replicated my eternally perfect features almost, well, perfectly! Right down to the imposing stance, and that took me quite a while to get down, mind you. Letting him suffer was like letting me suffer, but I still had to wait for the opportune moment to release him."

He gestured back the way they had come. "And there it was!"

Link had to fight back his annoyance. Too bad the King's 'perfect features' could not help them out of this mess. He glanced warily in the direction the witches had disappeared.

"That still doesn't explain the other guy." He glanced up at Ganondorf. "What was Shadow Link doing here?" He shuddered to think that there was someone out there that looked just like him . . . only in shadow form. "There were no banishments when I killed him."

Ganondorf tapped his chin in thought. "Aah, yes, Shadow Link. Subboss of the Water Temple, was it?"

Link nodded his head.

The King continued. "Ooh, he was a nasty fellow. Didn't like either of us much. Now let's see . . . well, I needed someone who looked similar to you so we could make our escape , and he was as close as it got." He brushed his orange hair back with subtle pride. "You know, it took me _quite _a while to find him."

Link, who had begun pacing, shot a glare at him.

"We don't exactly have much time . . ."

"Right right. That's basically it, although part of it was pity. Most of the monsters were picking on him _because he's so ugly_."

Link stopped pacing.

"_Excuse _me?"

Ganondorf began to nonchalantly inspect the barrels.

"Help me find a way out, Hero, my mothers won't be fooled for long."

Link gritted his teeth. The King was absolutely infuriating! He hated the way he constantly insulted him. First his awesomeness was slandered, then his screams were girly, and now he was hideous! It was almost enough to make a man cry.

In fact, he thought he would.

He dropped to his knees and grabbed the Gerudo's leg.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!**"

Ganondorf jerked in suprise. "_WHAT THE_—?!"

He tried to shake Link off, but the Hylian held fast.

"**B-B-BOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO! I'M SO UGLY!!**"

"Good _gosh, _man_! GET OFF ME!!"_

He reached down to dislodge the leech from his leg, but a flash of pain made him wrench his arm back up. "YOWCH! You bit me!!"

Link tightened his grip even more. "**WAAAAAAHHH!! WWEEESHEE-POO-POO-RIKI-TIKI**—**B-BARRELONMYHEAD!!"**

He released Ganondorf, dove for the barrels, and promptly stuck one on his head.

Ganondorf gawked down at him, a mixture of horror and more horror evident on his face. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. Many one-syllable words came to mind, but only one could he utter.

"_Duuhhaaahhh_?!"

Okay, maybe two syllables.

Link poked his head back out, and all traces of his earlier performance seemed to have mysteriously disappeared from his countance. He blinked up at the Gerudo.

"Oh, isn't it great?" he smiled. "When I was younger, I used to hide under barrels from enemies, Mido, Navi . . . and they could never really find me! I think we can pull it off, too, and give your mothers the slip!"

"B-but," Ganondorf stuttered, "B-barrel 'on head'?"

Link rolled his eyes. "Oh, that? No, you see, it's more like this."

With a grunt, he lifted the barrel and held it above himself. Then, pushing to his feet, he faced the somewhat recovering and curious king.

Ganondorf, still disturbed, nevertheless cocked an eyebrow. "You can't be serious!"

"You bet I am," Link stated firmly as he lowered the barrel over his head. "Just do what I do."

Ganondorf watched as the Hero was slowly swallowed by the barrel. His shoulders disappeared from view, then his torso, his waist, his knees . . . Soon, all that could be seen were his new brown boots, shimmering in the torchlight. He smirked. The Hero's 'awesomeness' was exposed and he hardly even knew it.

Link's muffled voice pushed into his speculation.

"See?" he exclaimed, although he himself could not. "It shouldn't be too hard for a big bad king like yourself!"

The 'big bad king' responded with a grunt. He did not need some kid in tights telling him what to do, _especially _after the random outburst a few moments ago. He'd rather have close contact with his mothers at this point. He glanced down at the wooden contraptions next to him, grimacing with distaste.

It was simply degrading.

Skeptically, he placed his hands on sides of the barrel. He had noticed Link had bent his body oddly to get inside one, and considering how much larger he himself was . . . He swallowed as he lowered the barrel.

Everything got darker when his amber eyes met the wooden interior. He felt his warm breath breeze back in his face. He wheezed slightly as the barrel met his shoulders . . . and stayed on his shoulders. He frowned and tugged harder, but it only dug in more.

Wondering if he had gone in from the wrong angle, he resituated himself and tried again. His right shoulder went in but his left barely made it past the edge. He furrowed his brow, held his breath, and commenced to squeezing his shoulder upward.

It inched slowly. He wiggled with discomfort but continued to push. His scalp itched with presperation, which began trickling down the side of his face, and he longed to shove the barrel off and just take his chances with Koume and Kotake.

The strain was beginning to wear on him when he heard the 'crack'. Circumstances if not of that day alone should have taught him not to ignore it.

He did.

Suddenly, the barrel burst. Shards went flying in all directions, striking the ceiling, the floor, and the wall. It was suprising that something so hollow could cover so much space. One hit Link's barrel, and it startled him to no end.

The stifled genius had three words that always seemed to improve a situation. "What was that?!"

He was met by silence.

Ganondorf's stare followed a final chunk of wood as it clattered to the floor. It lay there and did what most inanimate objects usually do: nothing. After a moment, the pieces began to literally fade into the floor. Decomposition in Hyrule was strange.

He began to despair. One barrel was like the rest, so there went the hope to hide in one. He had eluded his mothers this long, and he could not give up now. There just _had_ to be some way . . .

He sighed and started to pull at his face when something in the shadows caught his eye. It was tucked against the wall and behind the barrels, so he almost missed it.

He approached it with growing curiosity. "What is this . . . ?"

Link was worn out and freaked out. First of all, he didn't know how long he could last in the cramped, sweaty quarters of the barrel. Secondly, the sudden explosion and lack of response from Ganondorf had put his wits on end. He just couldn't take it anymore.

"Ganondorf? I'm coming out!"

"Oh, there's no need, Hero, I finally found a hiding place!"

Link ignored him as he pulled a dagger from under his hat and proceeded to drive it into the wood. In moments, he was free, lying on his back in relief and sucking in fresh, sweet air. Then he propped himself up on his elbows and glanced around for the king. He found him all too quickly, and his look turned to one of horror.

"GANONDORF!!"

The startled Gerudo whirled around. He was standing close to the wall, holding something above his head. "What?"

Link shakily pointed at it. "T-that's a powder keg!! Put it down gently, right now!!"

Ganondorf shook his head. "Silly Hero, it's nothing to fear." He leaned back slightly. "It's not lit, _and _it makes the perfect cover."

"Oh, I don't know . . ." Link looked at it skeptically, "it could still be . . ."

Ganondorf smiled. "Trust me, it'll be fine."

Neither of the two noticed the torch on the wall.

* * *

**A/N :** **GAAAHH! In the length of time you have been reading this, the pygmies have stolen my restraining order!!**

**Ganondorf: Yay!**

**Me: 'slap' **


	7. This Fuse

**A/N: Okay, so I _finally _got my writing folder back (this is my excuse for taking so long!). It was not without its bumps and bruises, but we're all right . . . or at least _I _am. I've had run-ins with pygmies before; this was Link and Ganondorf's first time, though. Poor guys . . . **

**By the way, thanks for the reviews, guys!! It really means a lot to know what people think, and I appreciate all of them! **

**Disclaimer: If I even _tried_ to claim Link and Ganondorf, they'd have a nice lit powder keg at the ready . . . **

* * *

_" This Fuse"_

**Chapter 7**

Link narrowed his eyes in suspicion and stepped back. "Wait a minute: last time you said to trust you we got _into_ this mess!"

Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. I saved your hide back there. Now, if you hadn't _screamed _the whole way down they might not have —"

"My screams had nothing to do with it! You threw up all over the tower, and now Koume and Kotake have pledged eternal doom on our lives! You are guilty as charged!"

"Wait a moment, _Hero_," the king gritted out. "You are just as guilty as I for emptying your stomach contents. Why, you instigated the whole thing! That chain reaction — it never would have begun had you not pulled out that blue potion!"

"You _told _me to empty my pockets, remember? You're just too sensitive."

"_**Sensitive**?!_" Ganondorf gaped in disbelief. His tan knuckles clutched the rim of the barrel over his head until they turned white. He took a full step back towards the wall in horror. "You find me_ 'sensitive'_? I who held Hyrule in my steel grasp these seven years; who drove the people from the Marketplace and replaced them with redead and cutthroats?! It was not a _sensitive _man who conjured and ressurected vile monsters from the abyss to ravage the land, striking terror into its feeble people!"

He ignored the hissing noise above his head; his focus was on Link.

"Aren't you more _sympathetic_," he scowled, " more _creative_? You could have used any number of words to describe me: sinister, scheming, sovereign, sardonic! But nooooo, your extensive intelligence could only come up with the irrelevent term '_sensitive_'!!"

"I was talking about your stomach," Link snapped irritably. "And in case your 'hard-core' ears haven't noticed, there's a strange noise —"

"Oh, who gives a baba?! We're talking about my great humilitation here! But . . . on your note," he sniffed in. "I think I smell burning."

"WHAT?!" Link swiftly looked around the barrel. "When were you going to —?!"

Suddenly, he paled and swiftly backflipped.

"Ganondorf!" he cried. "The fuse is lit! You got too close to the torch!"

"Huh?" Ganondorf whirled to look but found his vision limited. He jerked his head back toward Link. "What do you want me to do about it?!" he bellowed, wide-eyed.

"I don't know!" Link yelled over his shoulder as he took off running. "Come ON! JUST GET OUT OF THERE!"

Link shook his hair out of his eyes as he flew down the hallway. He had some bad experiences with powder kegs in the past, and he was not about to stick around and add another to the tally. He had absolutely no clue as to where he was going, just that it was in the opposite direction of Koume, Kotake, and one dangerous explosive.

Heavy footsteps and a grunt alerted him to Ganondorf's presence beside him.

_Good_, Link thought as he turned to look, _At least he got rid of the_ —

His jaw dropped.

Ganondorf hefted the powder keg higher above his head before glancing at Link. "What?"

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE IT BEHIND!!"

"You said, 'RUN!' So I RUN!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT OF ME?!"

"I WANT YOU TO LEAVE IT BEHIND!!"

"WELL, AREN'T _YOU_ THE DEMANDING ONE?!"

Link growled and frantically looked around as they whizzed down the hallway. There had to be _some _place they could put the bomb!

"WE'RE IN A CASTLE!! AREN'T THERE _ANY _ROOMS AROUND HERE?!"

"OH, I DON'T KNOW!" Ganondorf shouted back in exasperation, "THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FEW RIGHT AROUND HERE!"

"_SUPPOSED _TO BE?!"

"WILL YOU STOP YELLING AT ME?! IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!"

Just then, Link spotted a door ahead on the left side of the hall. He skidded to a halt in front of it and grabbed the handle. He tried to shake it violently, but it would not budge.

"IT'S LOCKED!!"

Ganondorf started. "WHAT?!"

Suddenly, a jovial tinkling sound came from Link's person, accompanied by a swirl of sparkly dust and a high pitched, "Hey!"

Ganondorf felt himself gape as a white fairy, a round ball of light with wings, flew upface to face with Link. "The door is locked. You need a key to get inside," she said, before swirling back down around Link and disappearing into his green hat. Ganondorf could not quite shut his jaw.

"What was —?!"

"No time to explain!"Link yelled, before dashing off to find another door.

The Hero of Time knew how much they needed to find a room — and fast. They could throw the powder keg inside and run, the stone walls providing ample protection and barrier-like qualities, at least enough to absorb some of the shock. As he ran, Link could only hope they could find one in time.

Up to his right, he spotted another door. Again, he pushed it, pulled it, and slashed at it with the Master Sword with only the same effect as before. And, again, out came the little glowing fairy with a, "Hey!" and, "The door is locked. You need a key to get inside."

Link took off running before she had time to whirl away into supposedly nothing.

Ganondorf hastened after him with a mind to get some answers. In fact, he opened his mouth and had the words on his tongue when Link growled: "Aren't you supposed to have the keys for these or something?!"

The King sniffed disdainfully. "Yes. But I lost them. I didn't bother looking for them because I thought you would find them! You usually do."

Link scowled, grumbling something about not even knowing this part of the castle existed before speeding up.

Ganondorf soon matched his pace and went on to pass him, beating him to the next door. He held out the keg to Link when he shortly arrived.

"Hold it."

Link's blue eyes widened as he looked from keg to king and back again. "But I don't have to 'go'."

Ganondorf growled and shook it. "Not THAT, idiot, HOLD IT!! I don't want that blasted fairy thing to come out again!!"

With that, he shoved the keg into Link's arms and went at the door. Purple magic, yellow magic — the door did not even splinter. Sure, signs would break, boxes and barrels would shatter; why even homes would burn! But doors — you could do nothing to them.

Ganondorf roared in frustration and rammed into the door, which of course, only gave him a sore shoulder.

A tinkling sound filled the air, and for the third time, the fairy came out and hovered face to face with Link, who tried hard to hold back the tears. _'Not _in front of Ganondorf, _NOT _in front of Ganondorf . . .'

In his helpless barrel-holding state, he could not even swat a finger at her. "Hey!" she began.

Ganondorf twitched as the fairy repeated her abnormally 'normal' routine. He desperately wondered how the Hero had survived, because if she did that one more time, he felt he could just . . .

Link, regaining his composure, blinked sparkly dust from his eys. He happened to glance down at the object in his arms . . .

"WHOAH!!" he yelled, immediately dumping a pulsing red powder keg into the Gerudo's arms. He took off running down the hall.

Ganondorf yelped in surprise and scampered after him. "Hey! Wait for ME!!"

Link did not slow until he skidded to the fourth and final door. It was on the right side of the hall, the very last one they could see. If it was locked . . .

He pushed the horrible possibilities from his mind. Gripping the handle, he twisted it . . . The metal shifted, and it turned with him. Excitedly, he tried to shove it open, but it moved only an inch before it stopped.

"Ganondorf, it's unlocked but it's jammed!" He leapt back and braced his feet. "Now, if I can just roll into it at the right —!"

"NO, you idiot!!" Ganondorf boomed, "That'll take too long! We'll just ram into it at the same time!!"

Too rushed to argue, Link bit his lip and nodded.

Ganondorf took his position, jaw set. He narrowed his eyes in determination. "Ready . . . NOW!!" And with that they launched themselves at the door.

Two things happened at once. Those two things were Link and Ganondorf, and they _happened _to ram full force into the door only to be bounced right back into the hall. The wind rushed from their lungs as they landed flat on their backs. The powder keg fell out of the Gerudo's arms to rest some feet away, still blinking slowly.

Ganondorf struggled for air, and in doing so, flopped his head sideways to glimpse Link. The Hero was gaping like a goldfish, his eyes bugged out and his lips open and pursed. It was the funniest thing, and though he himself looked just the same, he tried to laugh. Of course, it's very difficult to laugh - let alone breathe - when the wind has been knocked out of you, so the king almost died of suffocation instead.

And Link, flat on his back and struggling for air, happened to glance over and spot Ganondorf, whose lips were puckered like an octorok's. It was such an amusing sight that Link felt the urge to laugh, but because he was winded, _he a_lmost suffocated.

So the Hero and the King were both laid flat in the basement of Ganondorf's Castle, the fate of Hyrule in their hands, gaping like pursy-mouthed creatures and attempting to laugh and live at the same time.

Then they remembered the powder keg.

Link's blue eyes grew impossibly wider. Ganondorf amber eyes glowed like a cat's. They both wobbled as quickly as they could to their knees, baby steps faster than any baby could move. Each had an arm wrapped around his pained stomach, the other out to steady. Both quickly leaned forward and reached for the keg in front of them — and fell right on their faces. Now their heads were starting to swell. Their bahookies were in the air. And then a voice screeched out in the hallway:

_"THERE THEY ARE!!"_

Koume and Kotake were back.


	8. This Explosion

**A/N: . . . Five months. . . . I have no excuse, do I? What about puppy dog eyes? Nope. Don't have those either. What kind of sick person do you take me for?**

**Disclaimer: After these next incidents, I want to be as far away as possible from these characters, not treating myself to their slave tea in my home. But then again, I'd miss out on all of the action . . .**

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_"This Explosion"_

**Chapter Eight**

The two witches came barreling down the hallway in a flurry of fire and ice, and their dark robes billowed out behind them as if they were elemental crows. They hooted and whooped and cackled maniacally, bugged eyes with pin-point pupils set undividedly on the fallen Link and Ganondorf.

No more tricks; those boys were _theirs_.

As their clawed fingers began gathering magic into their broomsticks, they looked at each other and pulled their shriveled lips back into grins. Oh, they knew what they would do. A myriad amount of thinking had been done on the wild keese chase for the filthinators of their tower, especially after that little ruse with the smoke and the phantoms. It had been scheming and unhealthy and completely disrespectful, an act of a horrendous kind.

They had taught little Ganny well.

Now the brooms were powered up and pulsing. Kotake's was blue, Koume's was red, and when the powers combined, out came steamed cuccoo. Or just the steam. Whatever they preferred.

"_Yoo-hoo, dearies! It's so nice to see you_!" Kotake screeched. "_Why don't we have a nice long chat_?"

She was disappointed when they did not get up and run, but as she got closer, she found out why. The men were flat on their faces. However, their backsides were facing the hags.

Ganondorf's surrogate mothers winked at each other and swung back their broomsticks.

Link and Ganondorf could barely gape and wheeze before they were given the hottest, coldest, and down-right meanest spanking they had ever had in their lives. The swat the witches dealt to their backsides launched them off the floor and into the door, where they lay crumpled in a heap as a stalfoe might into bones.

They lay dazed for a moment, neither one having been able to make a sound beyond the terribly girly, "Eep!" emitted when flying and the current whimpers after impact. They were breathless, humiliated, and in the weirdest kind of pain. Goodness, it was like their left cheeks were burning and their right cheeks were freezing! And worse yet, Koume and Kotake didn't even notice the powder keg. They just laughed hysterically and flew right over it.

Ganondorf knew he had to alert them somehow, because they could be his only chance of survival, so he opened his mouth, drew in as much air as possible, and uttered probably the most humiliating thing of all.

"Blink!"

They didn't hear him.

His brow furrowed in frustration. With considerable effort, he propped himself up on one elbow and pointed feebly behind them. "Blink blink!" he rasped. "Blink . . . blink blink!"

The hags gazed down at him in amused glee, thinking he had hit his head a bit too hard in that tumble. He was probably recounting the time he had killed his first dodongo as a toddler.

The sisters were happily reaching out to give each other a steaming high-five when peripheral caught behind them. A powder keg. It was large and pulsing red, the wood fit to burst with every blink.

_'Hmm . . . _that's _ironic,' _they both remembered thinking. Then it exploded.

***BOOM***

The shock wave struck the witches full blast. They were sent careening from the air into Link, Ganondorf, and a door so bored on its hinges it decided to leave its Way and join their ranks. They hit that door and took it right into the room with them. Horrible, beastly squawks filled the air as they scraped across the floor and made crunching impact on the far wall.

Dark shapes darted across Link's scattered vision as he was buried under a writhing tangle of limbs. He struggled to get out. A shady piece of cloth tickled his pointed ear. The atmosphere was uncomfortably warm somewhere to his left, hinting at Koume's presence.

Something heavy and metallic shoved into his gut. Kotake? Then one of them shifted and he fell on the object, face first. Almost immediately, he recoiled in horror and nearly retched.

_Iron boot! _And Link did _not _need a repeat of the tower incident.

He tried to squirm out from under Ganondorf's foot in disgust, but the more he moved, the worse the smell became.

"Gah! Hey, get the boot—" He broke off suddenly as the taste of stomach bile filled his mouth. The nausea came like a rolling wave, targeting his midsection and surging upward. He doubled over — right into the iron boot again. Like a sling-shot, he jerked back only to be struck by another spasm. "G-Get da boo . . ." he choked out. Desperately, he groped at the weight. "Get da . . . da boo off meh!"

"I _can't_," came the reply, "I can't move!"

Funny, it almost sounded as if Ganondorf was amused.

"Aww, here it comes," Link groaned.

Suddenly, he felt Ganondorf tense.

"Wait a moment!" the king's deep voice said from the darkness. "You know, I cannot believe I'm actually saying this, but you seem greener than usual . . ." There was a sharp intake of breath.

Abruptly, Ganondorf's foot came off his stomach and the nausea began to alleviate. Link took two slow breaths of air: one he put in his body, the other in his pocket for later. Hero's can do stuff like that. He was still held down by someone, but the boot . . . He strained to see the king through the darkness, wondering if he had gotten free. "Hey, Smelly Man, you still pinned?"

The hissing response came closer than expected.

"Of course, idiot," Ganondorf growled, "but there's no way I'd let you dirty my precious boots!"

Link was about to retort when his limbs were released. He swiftly sat up and rubbed his neck. Slowly, his eyes were beginning to adjust. Facing the wall, it appeared the enemy hags were no longer on the floor. Ganondorf, in front of him, seemed to be rocking himself back and forth, his knees drawn to his broad chest and his feet tucked securely close. The sight sent chills up Link's spine. If this is what a king of evil would be reduced to, what would happen to a blonde little Hylian?

The hair rose on the back of his neck, drawing him back to the present time. The powder keg had just blown up. His health meter had taken a hit. And the squawking? Something was wrong, but it took him a moment to realize what it was.

The room was chillingly silent.

Link's heart rate sped up. As much as he hated the thought, he knew what he had to do. He slowly turned around.

Hundreds of small, wicked red eyes glared back at him. And behind those eyes, feathery white bodies pulsing red from injury, they massed as one evil.

_Cuccoos._

Our Hero blanched. These were no ordinary birds. They seemed to have gained some creepy humanoid characteristic that made them . . . patient. Oh, so horribly patient.

_"Oh dear, I just remembered something, Kotake_,"a voice snickered from above. Link flicked his gaze up to the hovering witches.

_"Oh? And what's that, Koume_?"

_"It seems we've left the octorok lasagna in the oven_!"

_"My my, we can't let it burn, now, can we_?"

_"Heavens, no_!" (can't use the other word)

They turned their brooms and zipped over the birds into the hallway. _"We'll keep a plate warm for you, dearies_!"was their parting stab.

Link blinked several times and caught himself waving good-bye like a little boy. It was strange. He had rarely been called 'dearie' in his lifetime, and no one had warmed a plate for him since—

"NOOO! THAT'S _MY _LASAGNA!"

Link snatched his fist to his chest and nearly leapt out of his skin when Ganondorf's voice boomed past his ear. The Gerudo king flared his nostrils and shook his fist after them. "CURSE YOU MOTHERS, I'LL GET SQUARE WITH YOU _YET_!"

Link shrunk back as the cuccoos grew unsettled by the outburst. "Maybe you shouldn't . . . Well, you know that wasn't such a grand idea . . ."

Ganondorf shook himself and glanced around. "Oh." He smacked himself lightly on the forehead, moving his hand to fix his hair in the process. "Drat. I forgot about them."

"You _what_?"

"Look. If I had remembered, we never would have entered this room. In fact, we probably would have let the keg explode to spare ourselves the trouble."

Link had to agree. He wondered how many hearts he would have lost . . . or saved.

The Gerudo watched the enemy from under hooded eyes and noted how the cuccoos had massed up tighter and were now advancing. He began to scooch back.

***CLANG*CLANG*CLANG***

The Hylian clapped both hands to his ears and gaped as the huge man's iron boots slammed the floor with each backward thrust. The birds began leaping in the air like Chu Chus, so Link swiftly propelled himself from their agitated frames until Ganondorf was beside him.

"Stop that!" he hissed, wincing at another bang.

Ganondorf paused. "Hn? Oh . . ." He glanced down at his feet in brief contemplation, making Link ever more grateful for his _awesomeness_.

Then he started _dragging _the metal across the floor.

***SSSSSCRRRRRREEEEEEEEECCHHH***

The response was instantaneous. Those cuccoos practically lifted off the floor like a red-eyed carpet. Feathers exploded everywhere, and shortly they prepared for a dive-bomb attack.

"Ganondorf, you _idiot_!"Link cried. "Now you've done it! We're going to be incapacitated by cuccoos! _Cuccoos_!"

Ganondorf snapped back. "Well, _I _didn't know! Maybe we can still dissuade them, with magic or something."

"Well, better get dissuading then," Link growled, "because here they come!"

An unspoken signal was given. The birds dived.

Now as it just so happens, they had moved within three feet of the door propped against the wall. This nine foot, solid wood door, proudly boasting a reputation for having had stood firmly in its Way for a particular group of cuccoos in the past, shifted.

And when it fell, it may have saved them.


	9. This Unfortunate Turning of Events

**A/N:**** Hello again! As you can see, I'm pretty laid back about when I update. However, I had this chapter ready to post in May! I promise! I've just been without a computer so long, and the library one blocks fanfiction now ...(I had to bypass the block, and right now I'm typing in code T.T). Well, enough with the excuses, I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**

**Disclaimer:**** If I owned Zelda, I'd have enough money for three computers! Oh, and Link and Ganonodrf, about the next chapter . . . I'm sorry.**

* * *

_"This Unfortunate Turning of Events"_

**Chapter 9**

Link woke to the sound of organ music.

He groaned, his whole body aching as he struggled to move. Apparently, he was back in the tower, and the only explanation for that could be . . .

"So I died," he muttered aloud. Great.

"Well, if this is the afterlife, then I led a worse life than I thought!" someone growled to his left.

Link turned his blonde head, wincing, to see Ganondorf stretched out beside him in all of his evil glory, cursing like a Goron in ice water. His large hands were bound in front of him, and around his ankles there seemed to be some sort of manacle. A thick, metal chain was attached to it and disappeared beneath the boss door. After Link looked down and saw his own hands were tied, he shook his pointy-hatted head in bewilderment.

"How did we get up here?"

The Gerudo was attacking his wrist bonds with his teeth, but he paused to spit out a piece of fiber. "You can stick around and find out," he grinned, "but I am content to believe I sleep-walked."

Link got the hint. He rocked himself into a sitting position, flinching at the pain induced at the sudden movement. That door must have hit him hard. He flared his nostrils and huffed. Dreadful cuccoos; they just would not _die_.

The organ music got louder.

The Hylian brought his wrists up to his mouth so he could gnaw on the rope. He really hoped it would not taste bad. Then again, if it tasted good he would certainly eat it, but the thought of having foreign rope in his stomach was not at all that appealing. Link decided to give it a test lick.

"Hmm . . . salty," he mused, "like a fish."

"More like a Goron's armpit!" Ganondorf snorted, scraping rope from his tongue with distaste. "I am telling you, Hero, it only gets worse as you go!"

Link recoiled in horror. "That's nasty!" He thrust his wrists from his as far as possible and shuddered with disgust. "How can you even _say_ you've tasted an armpit?"

The Gerudo paused a moment, contemplative. Then a slow smile spread across his face. "Some experiences," he said deeply, "are just worth mentioning."

He loved making that little Hylian squirm.

Link crossed his eyes and tried to find his happy place. 'Okay,' he thought taking a deep breath, 'I'm going to open my eyes and find that lush green hill with butterflies and little yellow flowers, and there will be pretty rainbows in the sky . . . That's right, a bright blue sky, dotted with big fluffy clouds!

He peered from beneath his lids expectantly.

"Wanna play?" Bulbous yellow eyes stared into him.

Ganondorf almost bit his finger off at the horrible scream that suddenly rendered the air. Jerking his head towards the noise, he saw the Hero pulling at his face, rolling back and forth on the green carpet and blubbering like a baby Goron. He reached out and grabbed Link's shoulder with his still bound hands.

"Hero - what's wrong?" he bellowed, trying to find an injury. "Badness, you sound like a -"

"A SK-SKULL KID W-WITH A S-SCARY MASK," Link sobbed, "TOOK OVER MY H-HAPPY PLAAACE!"

Ganondorf blinked in surprise, then furrowed his brow and shoved him with a growl. "Oh, quit your whining! We're not in your 'happy place,' we're in the afterlife, remember? So shape up and start acting like the Hero of Time you're supposed to be!"

Link sniffed and was about to retort -

***_Shink_***

Suddenly, the chains at their feet tightened and yanked them flat on their backs. ***_WHUMP_*** The high stone ceiling started rushing past them. They were being dragged, like hammer-struck torch slugs, towards the door, which remained firmly closed, which could be a problem if they got any closer, which made Link particularly unhappy since his tunic was riding up his -

"I HATE MONDAYS!" Ganondorf bellowed.

Link's inquisitive look was lost from view as the boss door lifted, and the two were pulled into the room.

Light exploded everywhere.

When they finally stopped, Hero and Villain lay there, burning eyes squeezed shut, ears ringing from amplified organ music. Even Ganondorf had not escaped clothing issues after being dragged across forty feet of carpet, so both of them were in great discomfort. Link's hat, of course, had remained intact.

And it was natural that the two of them, once their sight recovered, opened their eyes to see two different things.

Link was usually able to analyze his surroundings almost immediately after being thrust into a situation. However this time, for all his skill, he found his gaze fixated on something near the ceiling.

The large pink gem that Princess Zelda had been imprisoned in . . . was empty. There were no blonde locks, no tears, nor even any essence of "pretty" to indicate she had been there. No, instead, there was a little man.

Link could not believe what he was seeing. The little man was suspended directly beneath the gem by a rope. He was wearing green spandex, a pointy green hat, and a stark red speedo. His slanted eyes were peering at a map in his hands, and the black mole by his red nose twitched as he slowly bobbed up and down. The possibility of him being who Link thought he was seemed incredibly unrealistic, but after so many hallucinatory events happening in such a short period of time . . .

The Hero swallowed thickly past his dry throat and stared fearfully up, eyes wide from his defenseless position on the floor. His lips barely managed the word:

"Zelda?"

Ganondorf, like Link, also took stock in his surroundings, and it was he who first noticed the rigid row of cuccoos lining either side of the broad red carpet. Though their beaks pointed straight ahead, their evil red eyes glared at the two men.

And as Ganondorf watchfully lifted his bulky and chained frame into a sitting position, it was he who first spotted the figure perched upon the organ's pew, its straight back partially veiled by a long sheen of blonde hair. There was no mistaking that figure nor the dark vibes coming from it. Ganondorf rolled his eyes heavenward and railed at the goddesses for cursing him with such bad luck.

"Oh, she just_ had_ to touch the organ, didn't she?"

The Hylian, through his shock, began to pick up on the music. It sounded like a violent version of Zelda's lullaby, and was feasibly the reason why she might have undergone such a drastic change. He felt a shiver under his skin and was speculating what the song might do to him when the music faded . . . then stopped.

Heavy silence suffused the throne room.

A compelling force drove Link's gaze from the little bobbing man to the carpet, then the red stairs at the end of it, and finally up the stairs to the still and foreboding organ player. Suddenly he sat up. He felt himself gaping as he ogled from the figure to the pink gem to the figure again.

"Oh, Princess Zelda!" he cried with relief. "I'm so glad it's you!"

Beside him, Ganondorf pressed his lips together and surveyed his chains. He glanced back up at the organ. Then, carefully, he lay back down on the carpet.

Princess Zelda stood up.

Slowly she turned, step by step, inch by inch, until the full measure of her blazing blue eyes seared into the Hero and withered him on the spot.

"Hello, boys. Miss me?" She lifted her hand before her, the Triforce symbol radiating yellow magic. One blink, then she stepped to the right and slammed her fist into a dark gray pillar. It crumbled into dust. She smiled, her teeth flashing scarily. "I think _not!_"

An approving gaggle of cackles rose from the ranks of cuccoos.

Link started and glanced around nervously. "B-But we did miss you. See?" He held up his bound wrists with a weak laugh. "Here we are! Now let's get these off, shall we, and have a proper cup of milk?"

The room stilled again.

Beside him, Ganondorf barely stirred as he turned his head. "Hey . . . Blondie . . ." he muttered.

"What?"

"Don't encourage it."

A soft, eerie laugh rose the hair on the napes of their necks.

Ganondorf remained pressed against the floor as Link's eyes riveted on the form of Zelda descending the stairs towards them, her skirts flowing gently against her legs. She stopped on one of the middle steps and blew mortar dust off her knuckles, then clasped her hands against her heart.

"Oh, Link . . ." she sighed sweetly, her blue eyes shining. "I always knew you could talk."

The Hero felt himself warm significantly by this new approach. He sat up a little straighter and flicked a stray lock from his face. "She's not so bad ..." he murmured to Ganondorf.

"No, idiot, don't -!"

"Anything for you, princess," Link said, cocking his head in a charming manner and allowing a lazy smile to grace his face. However, his blood ran cold at the feral grin Zelda speared his way.

"Anything?" she hissed. "'Anything,' you say? Suppose I asked for your _life_ then! Would you give it to me?"

Poor Link shrunk back and touched his throat. This situation was getting way out of hand, and he had no idea how to deal with it. Ganondorf chuckled quietly, his large bulk shaking the floor.

"You've brought this upon yourself, you know," he commented.

"Well, I don't see _you_ trying to help!" Link answered in exasperation. He shut his mouth as the princess's sharp voice pierced again.

"What, fraternizing with your enemy, Hero of Time?"

"I am not!" Link protested. "We're friends now, not enemies!"

"Say _WHAT_?" Zelda and Ganondorf yelled simultaneously.

The cuccoos stirred restlessly. Above, the little man hummed a creepy little tune as he swayed, making maps. 'Everything in this room is hostile!' Link's mind lamented.

Ignoring their red-hot glares, he gestured towards the cuccoos. "What about them?" he pleaded. He was desperate to lose the attention. "Those things are practically the enemy, and you've promoted them as your body guards!"

"The cuccoos? Enemies?" the dangerous, beautiful princess scoffed.

Zelda clucked deep within her throat and held her arms out. The two cuccoos closest to her waddled from their rows and hopped-flew up the stairs to her. She leaned down, letting them flap up and perch on her curled fingers. They nuzzled her cheeks as she brought them to her face, and Link and Ganondorf gaped in disbelief when she nuzzled them back and cooed to them lovingly.

"These creatures are not the enemy," she continued after a moment. "Why, they're practically citizens of Hyrule!"

Ganondorf slowly sat up, not wanting to be vulnerable on the floor after the next comment he couldn't resist giving. "If they are citizens, we must be like gods then!"

One hundred intense red eyes and two stabbing blue ones bored into the Gerudo King.

Zelda released the cuccoos to return to their posts. Taking the stairs two at a time, she reached the bottom in three strides and stood towering over Ganondorf. Link had wisely lain down now that the roles were reversed.

"No, you," Zelda stated crisply, "are the oppressor of citizens. How long did you lock those poor birds up? What was it, seven years?"

"Good riddance, I say," Ganondorf muttered. "Pesky little buggers . . . It's not like they had to eat or anything . . ."

"Wrong!" the princess trilled, her hands coming to her heart. Her eyes filled with tears. "They are fed on love! Anju could not properly love them, but she was allergic, so it's understandable. You, however, were completely capable, yet you scorned them, imprisoned them, merely because you could not see beyond their annoying feathery exteriors."

A gale of clucking swept up to the rafters of the throne room. The adoring eyes of the cuccoos seemed to say, "We approve of this message."

The King of Evil was not moved.

"What do you want me to do?" he scoffed. "Kiss them? Nuzzle them? Pat their fluffy little tails? I assure you, I will be doing no such thing in my lifetime."

Zelda's temper flared. "Why you- !"

As the two bickered, Link had settled on the floor as comfortably as he could, for he was still suffering from the effects of clothing-twisting carpet-burn. He gazed up at the ceiling and tried to think. Already had he classified Zelda's moods into three modes: nice-mode, scary-mode, and man-mode (man-mode being when she turned into a Sheik). He himself was trying to get into 'plan-mode,' but there was a teensy problem that prevented him from focusing: the little green man.

Every idea that popped into mind was swept away by the sway of stubby legs. The bob of red bottom put a shudder down his spine. However, when he tried to close his eyes, a disquieting hum of song would raise goose bumps on his arms and blot out every image save that of a midget suspended with ropes from a large, pink gem.

There was no escape.

Finally, Link could take it no more.

The Hero heaved himself to his manacled feet with all the dexterity of a warrior and exclaimed, loud enough to halt all conversation: "What IS that thing?"

Zelda and Ganondorf followed the direction his hands were gesturing.

"Tingle," they replied simultaneously.

Link gaped at this "hands-on" knowledge. "But where did he come from?"

The princess glared at Ganondorf one more time and turned her back on him, walking up to the dais. He stuck his tongue out at her as she sat facing them on the organ pew.

"Ganondorf - she's a princess!" Link quietly admonished at his rude gesture. The Gerudo shrugged.

"And? I'm a king!"

Zelda clacked her fingernails along the bench. "Let's see . . ." she began, looking thoughtful. "Tingle showed up some hours ago . . . or was it days? Hmm . . . Time flies when you are waiting to be rescued, doesn't it?" She looked pointedly at Link. "Anyways, he came floating up the stairway with that red balloon of his and opened the Boss door, which was already unlocked. Here he was, singing," she delicately shuddered, "when he spotted me inside that suspended pink gem. It was such a pretty pink; it just had to be his. He said he'd trade me a map for it. I said I'd take a fairy for it."

"A fairy?" Link asked.

"Yes, a fairy. They bring you back from the dead, they give you 'advice' - what can't they do? So Tingle did. He gave me a fairy for it, though it pained him so. He mentioned something about 'betraying kin.'" She grinned wickedly, slipping into 'scary-mode.' "So here I am, finally free! Now all I have to do is decide how to punish the two of you."

Ganondorf and Link looked at each other.

"Punish us . . .?" Ganondorf said carefully.

"Of course." She shrugged. Her nail-clacking became faster.

The Hylian gulped past his suddenly slack tongue and wished he was still on the ground. "B-but . . . There are witches on the loose! Who will protect you?"

"Witches?" Zelda frowned. "Witches . . . _witches_ . . . Oh!" Her brow smoothed as she brightened. "You mean 'mothers.' Two very concerned mothers, mothers who miss their babies very much."

"Oh no . . ." Ganondorf whispered. "Please _NO_ . . ."

"Oh, Koume! Kotake!" Zelda called. "Look what bad boys have come to see you!"

Two large, dark forms materialized on either side of the princess and swooped down upon the prisoners. Kotake's biting cold claws latched onto Ganondorf's forearms. When Link glanced up and saw how large Koume's nostrils were, he almost fainted.

"How should we punish these boys?" Zelda asked, smiling sweetly.

The hags grinned._ "Put them to work in the kitchen!"_


	10. This Torment

**A/N: I realized that I started this about three years ago, and I thought, "Hmm... I might want to finish this." It takes time, it takes time... ;)  
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**Readers, you may want to scan some of the earlier chapters before viewing this one (unless, of course, it's your first time, which likely means that you've already read those chapters :D). Just remember not to take anything in this story too seriously. I write for my own amusement as well as yours. 8)  
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**By the way, in my original outline of _This Awesomeness_, the kitchen scene was supposed to happen in Chapter 2. Talk about wacky.**

**Disclaimer: The Legend of Zelda is no mine. If I tried to claim it, I would be arrested. **

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_"This Torment"_

**Chapter 10**

Link gaped in horror at the ancient witches on either side of him.

"You want me to do _what_?" he cried.

Koume hissed and clamped her shriveled hands over her ears. "_Jeez!_" she muttered. "_For a kid who's never talked, he sure has a loud mouth!"_

"_Tell _me about it," Ganondorf agreed with a knowing sigh. "My poor ears haven't had a break since our battle in the tower!"

The Gerudo king "eeped" as Kotake flicked his head with an icy fingernail.

"_Quiet, you!" _the ice witch growled. _"You're still in trouble for that phantom stunt you pulled in the basement!"_

The four of them had left the tower shortly after the hags' suggestion for punishment had been approved by Princess Zelda. Ganondorf had been dragged away kicking; for every kiss Zelda blew him, he sent back a curse. Link had been dragged away in confusion; he wasn't even sure what a kitchen _was_.

The trip had been a long one, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, but they had made it to their destination with happy hags. Link had been devastated upon seeing the cavernous, metal and smoke-filled room known as "kitchen," where they called obvious torture devices "pots and pans" and a large box with searing flames inside an "oven." However, what had made Link even _more _anxious was being led to a long sink on the left wall, where he was currently standing.

The Hero ignored Ganondorf as he stared at the task set before him. Next to the sink full of steamy water were huge stacks of dirty, porcelain dishes. Link almost reset just _thinking _about what they were going to force him to do.

"S-So you're saying ..." he stuttered, whirling back to the witches, "t-that you want me to ... to ...!" Link stopped, trying to remember what they had said.

"Wash the dishes?" Ganondorf suggested, cocking an eyebrow.

Link stomped in agreement. "Yes, that!"

Koume swooped closer and narrowed her eyes. "_So what if we do?" _she growled, clicking her nails along her broomstick. _"What? Never washed dishes before?"_

Ganondorf chuckled deeply. "I seriously doubt he has," he commented, shaking his head. "The poor boy's been bottle-fed almost his entire life."

Link gasped in shock and took a step back. "How do you know about that?" he cried.

Ganondorf bared his teeth. "I've been _stalking _you."

"_Settle down!" _Kotake screeched as Link began reaching for the blue potion.

Koume hovered over towards Ganondorf. Perched on her flaming broom, she began counting the sweat drops that appeared on his forehead. _One ... Two ... Thirteen ..._

"_Since your little partner in crime here doesn't know how to wash dishes ..." _Koume began, smiling at the way she made her son squirm ...

"_... then you're going to teach him how," _Kotake finished.

Ganondorf's amber eyes widened. He swiftly looked at Link, who was wearing a smug grin on his lips.

"_Tah-tah, dearies!"_ Koume cackled as she flew towards the door. However, Kotake quickly caught up to her and grabbed her sleeve.

"_Wait!" _she exclaimed. _"Aren't we forgetting something?"'_

The Hero and the King exchanged a look.

The ice witch hovered back over and took her broomstick in her scrawny hands. The "brush" part began to glow as she drew her power towards the base.

"_When you work in a kitchen, you have to dress... appropriately,"_ Kotake said, eying her captives as they edged backwards. She pointed her now blinking broomstick towards them and smirked. _"Hold still, sonnies!"_

Ganondorf's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He shoved his manacled hands against Link's back, yelling for him to move, but it was too late.

Icy magic slammed into them and shoved them up against the sink. Cold washed up their noses, their mouths, their tear ducts and tunics. They were pinned there for several moments, frozen. Their mouths gaped open in silent screams.

Then suddenly the ice melted, and they collapsed on the floor.

Link weakly sat up and coughed. Cold water dripped down his back and through his blonde bangs. He couldn't seem to see. Link rubbed at his eyes and moaned, calling to Ganondorf.

"_Ugh _. . . what just happened?"

He heard Ganondorf half cough half groan in response as he apparently found the answer.

"I'd keep my eyes shut, if I were you . . ." he warned just as Link's eyes opened.

The Hylian was about to respond when he spotted Ganondorf. Link froze. He tried to move his mouth, but the words just wouldn't come.

Kotake steamed in satisfaction. _"Aren't you two the cutest?"_

The two warriors were wearing aprons. White aprons. Their wrist bonds had turned to metal, but Link almost sighed in relief, having expected to have been transformed into a frog or something.

"Well, this isn't so bad," he muttered to Ganondorf.

"Speak for yourself!" the King of Evil grumbled back. That was when Link noticed he had his arms crossed over his broad chest.

Link's brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"

Ganondorf hesitated. He started mumbling something about "blackmail" and "the inability to be trusted," but soon he reluctantly uncrossed his arms. Water dripped off his nose as he showed Link the front of his apron.

Link promptly burst out laughing. The King of Evil growled and tried to cover his apron again, but it was too late.

"'Kiss the Cook!'" Link howled, tears of mirth in his blue eyes. "Now where have I heard that before?"

"Shut up!" Ganondorf snarled. "Don't you realize how humiliating this is?"

His words fell on pitiless pointy ears. The Hero was set off into another fit of giggles, and he was about to reply when red light suddenly filled the room.

The captives carefully looked up.

"_I don't like white," _Koume said.

Pain.

A feeling akin to vaporization.

A scorching sensation.

"_Duuhhaaahhh_!" Link gasped, turning his shriveled, de-moisturized eyes towards Ganondorf's. They squinted at each other as they came back to painful reality on the floor. The extreme dry-mouth reminded Link of his quiet childhood, bringing back a particular nostalgic memory in Hyrule Castle Garden...

_-Flashback-_

A shrill whistle pierced the air.

"Hey you! Stop! You, kid, over there!"

Young Link held his little arms in the air as soldiers surrounded him at spear point. He took a deep breath and began to successfully plead his innocence.

"Pa fra pinprinfess sa sfa Zehld Degu-dek-dek-dek-deka-_EEYAH!_"

_-End Flashback-_

Link sighed and shook his hot manly head. Such was his traumatizing childhood.

Ganondorf shifted beside him. "Your nose is on fire," he rumbled helpfully.

"Thanks... It'll... go out in a minute." Link glanced at the King of Evil. "So is yours."

The two winced in a rare moment of companionable silence as their health meters beeped down. Their hair stood on end. They felt as if all moisture had just been sucked out of their bodies. Steam was seeping out of their fingertips, and they were holding up their index fingers and examining the little wispies when -

"Oh my muscular physique!" they screamed simultaneously, squinting at the flaming boots on the ends of their legs.

"My AWESOMENESS!"

"My Babies are BURNING!"

Kotake silenced their screams with another blast of ice, turning their red aprons white and covering them with snow. Then she turned on her sister.

_"Hey! What's the big deal, Koume? I thought white was a neutral color!_"

_"That's exactly the big deal -it's too bland for my tastes. Red is much more fiery!_"

"_It's not fair!"_ Kotake screeched. _"You always get your way! I want the aprons _white!"

"_Well, I want them RED!_" Koume shrieked back, sending another blast of scarlet magic at Ganondorf and Link, who had already gone limp, resigned to dieing slowly and painfully.

_"I want them WHITE!_" Kotake screamed, her frosty steamy magic shooting towards the victims.

"_RED!_" ***Blast***

_"WHITE!"_ ***Blast*  
**

"_RED, __RED, _RED!" ***Blast***

_"WHITE, __WHITE, _WHITE!_"_ ***Blast***

The two hags growled and crossed broomsticks with a loud "CLICK."

A pathetic little voice spoke up from the crumpled forms on the floor. Link gave them a weak searching smile. "Um... H-How about... green?"

_"SHUT UP, PRETTY BOY!"_ they screeched at the same time, pointing their broomsticks at his face.

_"WHITE!_"

_"RED!"_

The explosion was epic. Pots and pans staggered off the walls and counters. The dishes in the sink exploded into shards and projectile weapons, dissipating into nothing upon impact. The oven fire roared like Volvagia. One half of the kitchen smoldered, while the other half glistened under a layer of sharp, cold ice.

Link and Ganondorf, of course, could see nothing of this, being in the heart of the blast. Link had enough sense to equip his red tunic and the Hylian Shield before impact, earning a strained, "What the -?" from Ganondorf as he changed colors and held the plate of metal in front of them.

But it had not saved them.

The two witches stared. Oblivious to the mess around them, they beheld what they had created. And then their thin lips stretched into smiles.

_"Oh... Oh, yes..."_

_"'Kiss the Cook?' I think we will then, Kotake."_

Link and Ganondorf lay paralyzed as the pair of shriveled lips descended upon their foreheads. The witches' kissers retreated with a loud sucking noise. If the two warriors had the sense to remember that fainting might preserve their sanity, they could have passed out on the spot instead of sitting there crossed-eyed on the brink of nausea.

_"Don't dey wook so pwecious, Kotake?"_

_"I tink dey wook absolutely adorable, especially the wittle blonde one there. The sight of him almost makes me forget he tried to kill us once."_

The ice hag hopped back on her broomstick and hovered over the counter. The previously cluttered surface was now free of dirty dishes. She cocked her head in a bird-like fashion.

_"What can we do now that their chore isn't possible? Should I make more dirty dishes, sister?_"

_"Nah, that'd mean we'd have to stick around and baby-sit,_" Koume scoffed, flying up to the ceiling. _"We're too young to be wasting time like that. Why'd you think we sent Ganny off to mess around with Hyrule seven years ago?_"

_"Ohhhh, yeah! I remember_," Kotake cackled. She swooped down and dragged the boys to their feet. _"Now, no wandering off while we're gone, you hear? Or our sweet diabolical princess just might find you._"

_"Whoo-HOO! I'm off to a hot date with a light sage!_" Koume screeched, launching into a fiery back-flip.

_"WHAAA -_?" Kotake froze and dumped the two warriors back on the floor.

_"Since when?_" she squawked. _"Did he ask you? Does he know?_"

_"Does it matter if Rauru knows?_" Koume asked mischievously, flying towards the door.

_"Oh, we are so going on a double date!_" Kotake wailed, torpedoing after her. The kitchen door slammed behind them with a resounding ***crack.***

Link and Ganondorf lay slumped against the counter several moments after their captors left, staring with mixed emotions at the kitchen door. Slowly, Link began to shudder uncontrollably.

"Don't think about it..." Ganondorf warned in a horror-filled tone, as if he had just discovered his mother kissing Santa Clause ... which he kind of had. "Just don't think about -"

At that moment, for some inconceivable reason, Link turned to Ganondorf as if expecting to find some comfort there. And then they looked at each other. _Really_ looked at each other.

Both of them tried to leap back but hit their heads on the counter, biting off in mid-scream:

_"WHAT the -?"_


End file.
